Fifth time's the charm?
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A little over a month ago I found myself in the greatest city in the world, Cleveland! Just kidding, New York City, of course! (if you got that Johnnyswim reference we should definitely be friends!) And I was not planning on going to church, but to my surprise, guess where I ended up?
Since November of 2019 I have been to church five times. Yeap, you read that right, five times. This was before our queen Beyonce gifted us the song Church Girls, but if you know anything about me is that I am a church girl over and over, and five times is how many times I went to church in one day, not in 3 years! Yet here we are.
I can tell you exactly why I went to church 4 out 5 of those times, but the fifth time didn’t really have a reason and while that might not be a big deal to anyone else, it is a big deal to me. Because not only was it a kind of random day to go to church, it was the first time I went to church where I wasn’t triggered. Fifth time’s the charm, I guess.
It only took almost three years of barely ever going to church to let my nervous system know I was safe again. When I think about it a part of me understands how incredibly sad that is, yet I am so incredibly proud of myself for committing to my own healing, including having a therapist!
I’m not going to lie, going into that church building on that random Sunday in Queens was a little disorienting, yet something about it let me know I could lower my shoulders. Perhaps it was knowing that this was a once in a blue moon experience, or that no one there knew my name and/or needed anything from me during or after the service. I know this is not how intentional community works, but for where I was that day, that’s what I needed to know.
I did cry a lot, because anything related to church is, well…a lot, except this time I was crying because I was aware of how close God had been this entire time and even in that moment, when no one else knew my name Creator knew my name. Creator was here and had always been here, and She was here with me inside this church.
When I walked away from the church because of the racism I experienced, I never meant to leave to never come back, and perhaps that’s why I returned a little too soon. I used to regret coming back, but I realized it is not my fault that people and institutions are racist. That is their sin to carry, not mine. This is not the kind of burden I have to carry for them, so I knew this time around I was leaving with no plan to come back.
Next month will be three years since the event that destroyed me happened. I’m actively working on creating a self care day/weekend for myself. I know memories will come up, and all those things, but every day I am here is proof that racism doesn’t get the last word.
As part of my own healing I had to learn to listen and trust my body again, and to pay attention to the voice of Spirit when She is speaking (spoiler alert: She is always speaking!) This time around when I sat down to listen, I heard my body telling me she’s looking for the Sunday morning rituals I’d loved since I was a kid.
After being a part of Liberated Together, QUNI, InVerse Podcast’s community, and the AfroLatine Theology Project, I now have a different understanding of what church could be. I’m looking for a place committed to the liberation of all peoples and the earth. Where I don’t even have to use the words antiracist, or LGBTQIA affirming, or worry about ableism because those are considered the bare minimum. I believe we can have the creativity and imagination to see the flourishing of those whose backs are against the wall (as Howard Thurman would say). We don’t have to wait for the other side of eternity, we can start now.
And perhaps I am naive for dreaming and thinking and being committed to this, but is there any other way forward? When I think of God, the first word I think of is Creator, as in the One who creates. I think of the story when the artisans were given the Divine Spirit so they could build the tabernacle. Don’t we also have the Holy Spirit to help us create a holy place where we too can meet with God in mutuality and community?
I mean, I don’t know, maybe next week, or tomorrow, or right after I post this I will think this is impossible, but it can’t be, right? Because we’re not walking alone, we’re walking with Creator.
Now here I am, wondering what the next steps will be like for me, but knowing that I can trust my body calling for new (old) rituals, and I can trust Holy Spirit to guide me. We made it through the valley and I’m looking forward to the still waters.
Thank you for reading this newsletter, it really means so much to me that you do. Here are some exciting things happening:
September 22nd: Join the AfroLatine Theology Project in our inaugural virtual event where I will be hosting a conversation with Dr. Michelle A. Gonzalez to talk about Afro-Cuban Theology - register here!
September 24th: I’ll be joining my friend Marla on IG Live to celebrate the one year anniversary of her book Unbelieve! Here’s more info!
QUNI (one of the orgs I’m a part of) was highlighted on Religion News! You can read about it here.
Fifth time's the charm?
“I realized it is not my fault that people and institutions are racist. That is their sin to carry, not mine. This is not the kind of burden I have to carry for them“ - a word!!