Where can I find You?
hand in hand with happiness
“Where is Your goodness today? Where can I find You?” - Amber Bryant.1
I wrote down these words on a sticky note that’s now on my laptop the moment I heard them on the Life After Leaven podcast2, hosted by my dear friend Tamice3.
I felt the tears in my eyes sitting still waiting for me to blink so they could freely fall.
March came and went. Filled with so many more surprises than I was prepared for. From getting the acceptance letter4 I was waiting for, to dropping off my dad at the airport as he went back home to Lima, Peru for the first time in 22 years5, to getting to hear Robert Glasper live in New York City. Wait, that was only the first week of March? I think I might’ve lived a whole year in one month.
There was a moment there where I sat down with a friend and said, “hey, is this what it’s like to be happy? I think I’m happy.”
Happiness as an emotion actually terrifies me. She is a new friend, or a friend who only comes around once every few years. Like me, she doesn’t know how to stay in one place long enough to call it home. She’s welcomed anytime of course, yet I wish I knew what I needed to do to become best friends with her.
Happiness has a sibling named Grief. Grief and I have held hands since I was way too young. Even when happiness is here, Grief can only ever be at an arms length because I have separation anxiety. Grief and I, we have ventured the United States together. We always have a window seat and a checked back. Our playlist is downloaded so we can listen to it on airplane mode, and we always have a pen and a notepad in case a poem needs to escape.
The interruption by Happiness really caught me off guard. She sat down right next to me on my yellow couch on a sunny Friday afternoon and hasn’t left since. I often evade her because I’m waiting for her to leave and I refuse to be attached to her.
Yet somehow, every day when I look at my feelings wheel6 she is still here. Even when other feelings are here too, she refuses to leave. I am still weary of her though, because her stay could still be temporary.
When I heard the question from my friend Amber, “Where is Your goodness today? Where can I find You?” I couldn’t help but remember that even if Happiness decided it was time for us to part ways for a little while, I would be okay.
Because the truth is God was here too when all I knew was grief and each day I still saw Their goodness. As the life of spring comes back, I heard my first woodpecker of the season and thought of all the times when this was how God would speak to me. This little bird’s aliveness is what God used to remind me of Their kindness. Sometimes that was the only break I had from my grief but it was enough to keep me going.
It’s not that I don’t want to write about happiness, it’s just that I’m just getting used to her. I’m learning to start letting go of grief. I can go on a neighborhood walk without her nowadays, yet I know the day is coming when I won’t have to share my window seat with her anymore.
I’m learning to rewrite my story, because the next 33 years of my life don’t have to be marked by grief and abuse anymore. Isn’t that hope? Isn’t that what it’s like to find God today?
Es el tiempo de reir, it’s a time to laugh, my cousin told me on March 3rd, 2023, and I believe her. I have seen the unwavering Love of Creator when grief was always here, I wonder what Their unwavering Love looks like when happiness is here. I am learning something new.
“She drew me up from a horrible pit,
Out of the miry clay,
And set my feet upon a rock,
making my steps secure.”
Thank you for reading and for being part of this community. It’s so very meaningful to me.
Amber writes a Substack over at Amber Speaks.
Have you read’s Tamice’s book? Faith Unleavened: The Wilderness Between Trayvon Martin & George Floyd
I found out at the beginning of March I got into my top choice for seminary! I’ll share more as the time comes, but I am so excited. I would love all your prayers as I prepare for this big change.
My papi got to Lima, Peru on March 6th, 2023, and I am so thankful he’s there. If you’d like to support his time there, we have a gofundme for him. Here he is hugging my mom for the first time in 7 years.
Here is the Feelings Wheel I use every morning.
Oh friend I feeeeel this. 💔❤️🩹 And I loooove Tamice’s book!!